Happy Anniversary to Me!

Happy Anniversary to Me!  

On April 22, 2012 my life changed. It was a long time coming but it had to happen sooner or later. It was on that day that I shared a truth I had never really dreamed of sharing.  I told my sisters I was a lesbian.

I know that there are many women who come to that realization late in life but that was not the case for me. It was something I first realized when I was around fourteen. I did my best not to think about it for the next few decades. I ignored it. I denied it. I did everything I could to make my sexuality non-existent. Finally when I was in my mid forties I accepted the fact that I was a lesbian and that wasn’t going to change. All I had to do from that point on was hide it.

I was fairly successful at keeping my secret. There was really no one I could speak with about it and my family and friends had come to accept that I was a singleton, what some would call a spinster, and I was okay with that. Sure I had lesbian romance novels that I devoured but I managed to keep them out of sight so that I wouldn’t be judged by my reading material. The only time I really worried was at night as I was trying to go to sleep. I would think about what my family and friends would think if they knew. I wondered who would turn their backs on me.

Then four years ago I was laid off/retired from my job. I became involved with Facebook and it opened a new world for me. I was welcomed into a chat room for lesbians and I made friends. I saw that lesbians were everywhere, in every walk of life and they were able to live happy, fulfilling lives right out in the open without having to hide. That may not seem like anything new to you but to me it was a huge revelation.

On the Sunday my damn burst I’d read a story in the newspaper that upset me to no end. The Catholic Church had appointed a bishop to oversee the charity work of a bunch of nuns who were doing social work with LGBT homeless kids in California. These were teenagers who had been kicked out of or who had fled their homes because of their sexuality. When I read the piece in the newspaper to my youngest sister on the phone I began to cry. When she asked why I was so upset I choked out that I was a lesbian. Her reaction was along the line that it was about time I’d said something. She had figured it out when I was eighteen.

After telling my youngest sister I told the sister with whom I live and from there on there was no going back. In the next two weeks I came out to all the important people in my life and much of my extended family. I was happy.  For the first time in years I went to sleep without worrying what people would think of me. My friends and family all told me that they simply wanted me to be happy. They all accepted me exactly as I was.

I thought that things couldn’t get any better but a friend urged me to try dating. Well I was long past the bar stage and online dating seemed the way to go. I tried a few different lesbian sites and I tried a site I’d seen on Facebook but none of them panned out. I gave it one final shot and signed up on Match.com. I was as honest about myself as I could be and ponied up the fees for a three month shot at it and I got VERY, VERY LUCKY. A wonderful woman saw my profile and wrote me a note.

Being on the shy side and new to dating I took things slowly. For about ten days we just emailed and then for a couple of weeks we did phone calls and Skyped. Finally we went on a date and next month we’ll celebrate our 2^nd anniversary together. I always tell my girl that she is the icing on my cake; the cherry on top of the sundae of life. She just laughs.

So all in all I just want to celebrate the day. Knowing your truth and being able to actually live it are two very different things. I’m envious of the women I know who never hid in a closet. They have become my heroes and I’m lucky to know a number of them. It doesn't make my story any less joyous. It just makes me wish I had been braver earlier in my life.

I hope that if you are hiding something in your life you free yourself of that burden. I hope that if you know anyone like me that you encourage them to take a chance on life and happiness. Sometimes things do work out. They did for me.