My Thoughts on Marriage Equality

Hello Friends. 

Ever since the Supreme Court handed down their decision on marriage equality I’ve been thinking about what, if anything, I should say on the subject. I decided I did have a few things I wanted to share and I thought a blog would be the best way to do it. 

I’m curious about the people who think that “Holy Matrimony” has always been the custom and that by changing the law to recognize same sex unions we are doing something akin to altering the length of a day or changing the location of the moon. Anyone who knows history should recognize the fact that marriage has changed through the centuries. In the earliest days of Christianity marriage was frowned upon by the elders who thought that celibacy was the ideal. If a man needed to have physical union with a woman then marriage was grudgingly accepted. It wasn’t until the tenth century when couples, looking to have children, went to their priest to ask for a blessing of their union that the church became involved at all. Even then marriage was a civil contract between the parties and no religious witness to the union was necessary to make it recognized as legal.

The Catholic Church made marriage a sacrament in the twelfth century but the priest was there only as a witness for the church. The sacrament was always bestowed by the parties upon each other. (At least that’s what I was taught all those years ago by a wonderful IHM nun.)

Up until recently marriage among the upper classes was more often than not a way to consolidate fortunes. It was nothing but a business contract and certainly nothing that involved Christ or his love. It was not a joining of two hearts as much as it was a joining of two families for financial or political purposes. Among much of society marriage was simply the contract that was demanded so a man would take care of his offspring. 

We aren’t asking that your church be forced to perform our marriage ceremonies. We aren’t asking that you be forced to cheer from the sidelines as we are permitted to make decisions regarding a spouse’s health care. We are simply asking that the communities where we live, work, and pay taxes be made to grant us the same rights as our married heterosexual counterparts. Are two men or two women who have committed to each other not worthy of the same civil consideration as the guy up the street who is now on wife number three? 

While I truly respect those who think that their marriage is blessed because of their particular religious beliefs I don’t understand why those who are most adamantly opposed to marriage equality believe giving their LGBTQ neighbors equal rights under the law will put their marriage, or the institute of marriage, in some sort of jeopardy. That's akin to saying that you can't eat pizza because I don't like tomatoes. It makes no sense. 

For those who cite Leviticus in the Old Testament as the proof of the Lord’s condemnation of homosexuality I believe that eating pork and shellfish are equally condemned. So for that matter is wearing two different types of cloth at the same time as well as having your body tattooed. You don’t get to pick and choose with Leviticus. You either take the whole thing as the literal word of God or you don’t. I prefer to look to the New Testament where Christ told us to love one another as he loves us. There is no mention of conditions or limitations on that love.   

In a nutshell it comes down to the fact that I’ll respect your civil rights if you respect mine. We don’t have to see eye to eye. We just need to treat each other without rancor and hate. If we can remember the golden rule and treat each other as we wish to be treated the battle will be won.     

Last but not least, for those who think that the Founding Fathers never intended for equality to be the law of the land I doubt that Adams, Jefferson or Franklin thought that owning an AK-47 or a Sig-Sauer automatic was a right to be given to the guy who has the budget to own one of those puppies. Again my friends, you don’t get to pick and choose what applies to you and what applies to those you disagree with. Civil rights apply to all. 

As a post script…After I wrote the above I was thinking of what might happen if the courts had decided to make all things equal by not recognizing marriage at all. Religious folks could still have their ceremonies and be recognized as spouses in the eyes of their church but the state would simply see them as two folks who lived together and shared a home. No tax breaks, no consideration for inheritance, no legal rights to make medical decisions and the half of the couple who did not actually give birth to a child would have to jump through the hoops of adoption and whatnot to be seen as a parent or have the authority to make a medical decision in case of an emergency. Isn’t giving your LGBTQ brethren a few rights better than giving up those rights?

The whole thing comes down to EQUALITY under the law. That’s all we’re looking for. 

 

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Happy Anniversary to Me!  

On April 22, 2012 my life changed. It was a long time coming but it had to happen sooner or later. It was on that day that I shared a truth I had never really dreamed of sharing.  I told my sisters I was a lesbian.

I know that there are many women who come to that realization late in life but that was not the case for me. It was something I first realized when I was around fourteen. I did my best not to think about it for the next few decades. I ignored it. I denied it. I did everything I could to make my sexuality non-existent. Finally when I was in my mid forties I accepted the fact that I was a lesbian and that wasn’t going to change. All I had to do from that point on was hide it.

I was fairly successful at keeping my secret. There was really no one I could speak with about it and my family and friends had come to accept that I was a singleton, what some would call a spinster, and I was okay with that. Sure I had lesbian romance novels that I devoured but I managed to keep them out of sight so that I wouldn’t be judged by my reading material. The only time I really worried was at night as I was trying to go to sleep. I would think about what my family and friends would think if they knew. I wondered who would turn their backs on me.

Then four years ago I was laid off/retired from my job. I became involved with Facebook and it opened a new world for me. I was welcomed into a chat room for lesbians and I made friends. I saw that lesbians were everywhere, in every walk of life and they were able to live happy, fulfilling lives right out in the open without having to hide. That may not seem like anything new to you but to me it was a huge revelation.

On the Sunday my damn burst I’d read a story in the newspaper that upset me to no end. The Catholic Church had appointed a bishop to oversee the charity work of a bunch of nuns who were doing social work with LGBT homeless kids in California. These were teenagers who had been kicked out of or who had fled their homes because of their sexuality. When I read the piece in the newspaper to my youngest sister on the phone I began to cry. When she asked why I was so upset I choked out that I was a lesbian. Her reaction was along the line that it was about time I’d said something. She had figured it out when I was eighteen.

After telling my youngest sister I told the sister with whom I live and from there on there was no going back. In the next two weeks I came out to all the important people in my life and much of my extended family. I was happy.  For the first time in years I went to sleep without worrying what people would think of me. My friends and family all told me that they simply wanted me to be happy. They all accepted me exactly as I was.

I thought that things couldn’t get any better but a friend urged me to try dating. Well I was long past the bar stage and online dating seemed the way to go. I tried a few different lesbian sites and I tried a site I’d seen on Facebook but none of them panned out. I gave it one final shot and signed up on Match.com. I was as honest about myself as I could be and ponied up the fees for a three month shot at it and I got VERY, VERY LUCKY. A wonderful woman saw my profile and wrote me a note.

Being on the shy side and new to dating I took things slowly. For about ten days we just emailed and then for a couple of weeks we did phone calls and Skyped. Finally we went on a date and next month we’ll celebrate our 2^nd anniversary together. I always tell my girl that she is the icing on my cake; the cherry on top of the sundae of life. She just laughs.

So all in all I just want to celebrate the day. Knowing your truth and being able to actually live it are two very different things. I’m envious of the women I know who never hid in a closet. They have become my heroes and I’m lucky to know a number of them. It doesn't make my story any less joyous. It just makes me wish I had been braver earlier in my life.

I hope that if you are hiding something in your life you free yourself of that burden. I hope that if you know anyone like me that you encourage them to take a chance on life and happiness. Sometimes things do work out. They did for me.  

My Avalanche & Stop Gun Deaths

It has been a very long time since I posted a blog. I've started a few but never quite finished them and they were pushed aside and grew a bit dusty while they sat on the shelf here in cyberspace. Since it is a cold and snowy day here I thought it was a good time to do some cleanup and finish up with some thoughts that have been rattling around my head.
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My Avalanche

There are things that you do that will change your life forever but you don't know that when you're doing them. It is only in hindsight that you can see a pebble has caused an avalanche that forever alters your life.

A couple of years ago I was newly retired. I had been spending a lot of time reading and one afternoon I wrote an author a fan letter. That was the pebble that began a change that would alter my life forever. As a result of that fan letter that author made me a part of a wonderful community of women she had on facebook. As a part of that group I acknowledged to others, for the first time, that I was a lesbian. It was a freeing moment. The pebble had grown to a small snowball.

One day while checking things out in that author's group I struck up a chat with a woman on the other side of the world and we began to message each other and we came to be friends. It was easy to chat and laugh and we began to exchange the stories of our lives and the small snowball became the size of a softball.

Feelings that had long been buried came to the surface and after reading an article in the paper one Sunday morning I could no longer contain my emotions and the secret I had been living with for decades burst forth. I finally admitted that I was a lesbian to my youngest sister. The rest of the family and most of my friends soon followed. The softball was now the size of a soccer ball.

My online friend encouraged me to reach out to other lesbians and become part of the community. Friends on facebook assured me that life would only get better and, if I went looking for it, that love could find me. I joined a couple of dating sites and events are now up to the size of a basketball.

Things were really good and life was looking up. I was meeting members of my facebook community in real life and horizons were expanding. I had my reading, I was doing a little bit of writing and I was a happy camper. Every once in a while there was a nibble on one of the dating sites but nothing ever progressed beyond a couple of emails. That at least was the case until mid 2013. The basketball sized snowball was building up momentum and was now the size of a very large boulder and heading downhill at an alarming rate.

That Monday in May when I received a message from someone at Match.com I didn't have any expectations. I didn't want to seem too anxious so I waited a day to reply and we soon began a regular correspondence. Of course being as cautious as I tend to be it took a couple of weeks before we even began to talk by phone and then another month before we met face to face. It was our first face to face and "in person" date when the avalanche hit. I haven't been quite the same since.

The fact that I have fallen irrevocably in love with a wonderful woman at this stage of my life is amazing to me. As amazing as being hit by an avalanche in the middle of a Philadelphia summer. I never expected it even though I hoped for it. I wanted to know what "being in love" was like and I have been granted the great, good fortune of finding that out. The fact that she feels the same about me is icing on the cake or the cherry on the top of the ice cream sundae of life. It simply doesn't get much better than it is right now.

I realize that I'm a very fortunate and blessed woman. I simply hope that whenever your avalanche strikes that you're ready for it and welcome it with open arms. It might be the best thing that ever happens to you.

p.s. My Avalanche is named Rusty and she is an absolutely wonderful and amazing woman.

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My Thoughts on Guns

This is something that has been on my mind for a long time but it was brought to the forefront with the report of a woman being killed by her two year old in a Wal-Mart store last week. I know that the NRA has a slogan that says "Guns don't kill people. People kill People." and to me that is simply bull!

After all the school shootings that this country has endured, after all the senseless deaths that we read about every day, when are we going to say "ENOUGH"? There will always be a criminal element in this country who will want guns for their illegal purposes but it was not their weaponry that killed those students at Virginia Tech or the children at Sandy Hook. Those were weapons that were legally purchased. What we need to do is to make it harder for those on the edge to access weapons.

When you purchase a car you need to prove that you are insured. Why can't we force gun owners to do the same? Make them prove that their weapons have trigger locks and are kept in a space that would be very difficult for a child or a thief to access. Why can't we proscribe the sale of automatic weapons that were designed for military use? I'm not saying that responsible gun owners should be made to give up their pistols or hunting rifles but seriously, why does any private citizen need to own an Uzi or an AK-47?

I know that buying insurance may not seem like a lot, but if reputable gun dealers were made to check that someone purchasing their goods had the proper paperwork and insurance necessary to own a gun then things would have to get better. If you don't think so then you need to think about the insurance you need when you purchase a car. You must have liability insurance in every state in the country. While some folks get away without it, for most of us there is money to pay for damages and medical needs when there is a serious accident. If you can do it with a car you can do it with a gun.

I know that there are holes that would need to be worked out but I figure that if you are a responsible gun owner you would welcome any step that would allow you your gun and work to keep guns out of the hands of the sick and irresponsible. You also need to remember that a lot of the safety features on the automobiles we drive today are as a result of the insurance industry. It wasn't the auto companies that got seat belts in your cars, it was the insurance companies. The same goes for airbags, safety glass, and anti-theft systems. Imagine what they could do with trigger locks and safety boxes.

If you have a better idea to curb the violence I urge you to contact your representatives at both the state and local level. Maybe one of those ideas will spark something that could save a life.

In 2015 gun deaths are expected to outpace traffic fatalities. Check it out.         http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-12-19/american-gun-deaths-to-exceed-traffic-fatalities-by-2015.html


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Well, that's it for now. I wish each and everyone who reads this a wonderful and happy 2015.

A Slap in the Head

Sometimes life hits you upside the head and sets you reeling. That happened to me recently and I thought I'd write about it. I know I haven't been a steady blogger of late but I really do have to write about this. 

Last week my cousin Kathy died. The thing that made this so difficult was that I never believed it would happen even though she'd spent the last four decades fighting melanoma. She treated her cancer as something to live with rather than something to die from and that is how I came to think of it. When her health faltered and she didn't send out her normal Christmas missive I believed it to be just a hiccup on the road to a new treatment or therapy that would keep her going. This time she wasn't that lucky.

Kathy was eleven months younger than me and the first of our generation in the family to pass away. That may not seem like something to be noted, but when the first in a generation is lost you know that you truly are mortal. Up to that point you can say to yourself "Well s/he was older than me. I have time yet. No need to worry." It's at that point that you realize, maybe for the first time, that it could have been you. It wasn't this time but it might be you the next time. Are you ready to let go? Is anyone?

If you haven't yet felt that slap from life let me assure you IT WILL COME. At some point when you least expect it you will be reminded of your own mortality. You'll wonder if you are as happy as you could be. Have you loved enough, laughed enough, done anything on your bucket list? Do you even have a bucket list? Will you be missed? Will you be mourned?  

Now I need to digress just a bit. While I was writing this blog today I received a note from my nephew. He is twenty-nine, single, fun loving, and a fine man. He was with us this weekend to say goodbye to our cousin and after returning home he learned that a close friend, a member of a close knit circle of friends, had committed suicide. Can there be anything worse than to think that perhaps if you had said or done something just a bit differently that you may have prevented a suicide?

I've always gone with the thought that, in most instances, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I think that you have to be desperate and at the absolute end of your rope to even think about it. I feel sorry for the friends and family the young man left behind. They will never think of all the joy that was shared with him without also feeling confused and betrayed by his final act.

After all of that I come down to the original point I wanted to make and that is to enjoy life to the fullest while you can. Tell those you treasure that you love them. Spend time with them. Don't put it off. You think there will be time but unless you are the proud owner of a crystal ball or a time machine how can you be certain of that? If it's a question of dusting a table or playing with a child and you pull out the feather duster then I feel sorry for you. You will live in that child's memory as someone who brought joy to their life. Will the table remember that it was dusted?

Enjoy your life. Kathy enjoyed her life despite her cancer and there were hundreds of people who attested to that fact the other day. Hers was a sendoff full of laughter as well as tears. If life is hitting you upside your head use my cousin as an example and live your life to the fullest. Tell folks how you feel about them and don't put it off until tomorrow or the chance may pass you by.

A recent shot of Kathy and my Uncle Jack.  

       

July 3rd

As I begin this blog it is a bit after midnight and the calendar has officially moved from July 3rd to July 4th. What is now yesterday would have been my mother's ninety-third birthday. It is the first birthday that has gone by without one of us, her children, bringing her up and talking about her and remembering her among ourselves. That's not to say that we all didn't think of her. We just didn't call each other out on the memories or reminisce with one of the many stories we could tell to honor our Mom.

I think the thing that got my memory really stirred up this year was the fact that it was the 150th Anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Back in 1938 my mother, along with her father and brothers, was in Gettysburg for the 75th anniversary of that battle. She would have been eighteen, newly graduated from high school and preparing to attend nursing school in Philadelphia that fall.

My mother and her brothers had lost their mother five years earlier and in an effort to keep his kids together my maternal-grandfather sent his children off to boarding school in McSherrystown, PA under the tutelage of the Sisters of Saint Joseph. He thought that was the only way his children would be able to be together because he did not feel capable of caring for them himself.

That time in boarding school made my mother yearn for the stability of a family and she got that for herself when she married my father and eventually had four children of her own. I'm not saying that she was the perfect mother or that we were the perfect children but she instilled in us an appreciation for the closeness of family that so many of my contemporaries seem to lack. We all truly care about one another, like one another, and love one another; that was her doing.

Just one more related little story about Mom and Gettysburg...One of the nuns that taught my mother at St. Joseph's Academy in McSherrystown was a granddaughter of General George Pickett who led his Confederate troops in an ill planned attack against the Union forces on July 3, 1863. I guess that shows that we are not really as removed from history as we would believe.

Were my Mom still with us she would love things like facebook and cell phones. She was all for reaching out to keep in touch with friends and loved ones. Imagine  what facebook would be like if everyone who used it had a parent or grandparent watching over their posts. It would certainly be more civilized don't you think?

So that's it from me for now. Happy belated birthday Mom! Thanks for everything. We still give you the only present you ever asked of us. You have kids who love each other.    

Go and celebrate the 4th with Fireworks and barbecue and if you think of it stop for a moment and thank the powers that be for giving me a fantastic Mom.

Thomas, Arthur, Mary and Jack. Summer 1938. McSherrystown Pa just a hop a skip from Gettysburg.

Authors & Admiration With a Bit About My Mom

This past week one of my facebook friends, who is a full time author, posted on facebook that authors should not be admired. After all they are only doing their job when they sit down and write. I respectfully disagree.

Think about what authors, and others who work in the arts, give us. They give us worlds that they have created form pure imagination. Think of the world that you see in a painting or hear in a song. Think of the worlds you enter when you open a book. Can you create like that? I've tried and it isn't easy.

Writers allow themselves to share hopes and dreams that they hold dear with folks they have never met and will never know. They share their inner life. They write out the hurts that have made them cry in the middle of the night and others get to share that pain. A writer lays bare their own soul for the entertainment of others.

Think of the Dementors in the Harry Potter books. We all knew the feelings of desolation and soul sucking depression but JK Rowling gave those feelings a form and a name. Margaret Mitchel created the world of Rhett, Scarlet, and Tara and has set imaginations ablaze for seventy-seven years. I've been to medieval England, Hawaii as missionaries landed to convert the natives, on manhunts for homicidal killers and in the mind of a woman as she discovers love for the first time. How can I help but admire the wonderful authors who have made me privy to all that?

So if you're an author, when someone says they admire you just say thank you. You're being complimented by someone who has paid their hard earned money and invested the time to read your work. Let them be a fan. After all, isn't there someone that you admire who thinks that maybe what they do isn't really all that special?

And now, since it is Mother's Day a few words about my Mom. She is the reason I read. She gave me a love of books and when I was nine gave me the keys to the kingdom by allowing me to go to the nearest library on my own. The stories I discovered that summer of 1958 have stayed with me forever.

When I was in high school Mom let me read the books she had here in the house. There was "The Caine Mutiny", "From Here to Eternity", "Gone With The Wind" and others. I became a fan of authors like Irwin Shaw, James Michener, and Leon Uris. It wasn't until I was in my twenties and out working in a large office with a lot of other women that I found out about writers like Danielle Steele. For a while I was hooked on romances but then I discovered mysteries. Memberships in mail order book clubs always guaranteed that there was a hardback available to keep me busy.

Over the years I have bought more books than I care to count. Each and every purchase was because of my mother.

She was a woman who loved movies too and we spent many a hot summer afternoon in our darkened living room watching on television the movies she and her friends had seen when they first came out. Think of movies like "So Proudly We Hail", "The Fighting Sullivans" and "Orchestra Wives". Since Mary K. loved movie magazines I not only got the movies but the stories that went along with the actors and actresses that appeared in them. She gave me a trove of trivia that has stood me in good stead over the years.

We had out arguments and disagreements but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. Thanks for the books.  

       

 



  

Social Media and Saving Memories

Social media, facebook for me, is a wonderful thing. It has changed my life and broadened my horizons immeasurably. From the comfort of a chair in my living room I have made friends with people around the world. There are people who bring joy to my life every day that I have never met but they hold a treasured place in my heart. In cyber space there are no borders. A friend can be thousands of miles away or the other side of the city.

I started thinking about this when I saw a post on the Repeal of DOMA a couple of weeks ago. The majority of Americans, in all age groups, are now in favor of marriage equality for those who are part of the LGBT rainbow. What is most surprising to me is how quickly the barriers are falling on this issue. Had you asked me ten years ago how long it would take for marriage equality I would have asked "What's that?" Now we are at a point where it seems inevitable. A question of not "If" but "When".

Social media is responsible in a large part for the change of public opinion. It breaks down borders. Borders that are not only physical but are ideological. We hear about the child of a friend of a friend who is bullied or beaten because they are different and we say "that should not be" and we change and we influence the people we contact to change. We see reports of loving couples torn apart and families broken because the couple is gay and we say "this should not be". We see an LGBT character in a TV show or movie and we see that they are really no different than we are and we change.

The shift toward marriage equality is a change whose time has come. The day that it does we need to say thank you to Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zukerberg and Jack Dorsey. Thank all the people who took the time to put up a post or click like in support of the organizations that fought and lobbied for change.  

I look forward to the days when my friends and I have the same rights as everyone else. In the meantime I'm going to pull up my favorite electronic device and have a chat with some friends.

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I am a fan of music, particularly the music that is now known as "The Great American Songbook". Give me Cole Porter, Irving Berlin or Jerome Kern and I'm a happy girl. Throw in Richard Rogers and his collaborators and I'm in musical heaven. Add some Broadway and movie scores and I'm in your debt forever.

I just watched, again, Michael Feinstein's American Songbook. The first episode of this season talked about how easily so much of Broadway history was lost. The magic that is Broadway resides mainly in the memories of those who saw a show. Original scores were tossed and cast albums were clipped and compressed to fit the time available on the records of the day. Cameras were not allowed to record a performance so history went unrecorded. There are snippets here and there of show highlights but we will never see Gertrude Lawrence in "The King and I" or Ethel Merman in "Gypsy". So many of the wonderful singers , dancers, actors and actresses that I grew up with are gone and they are being forgotten.

The point of all this is to say 'save what you can'. Save the music that means something to you. Those one hit wonders that no one but you remembers. Tell your kids about the things you saw on TV that made an impression; see if you can find clips on You Tube and share the love. Treasure what you love and pass that love on. (My poor nieces and nephew have been inundated with the movies and music my siblings and I love. This was not a bad thing for them. They are trivia champs among their friends. Go figure.)

Share your books and those CD's, records and tapes. Don't toss all your memories out in the trash. Save that copy of "Goonies" and that playbill from "Wicked".    

Save and share the love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilV5K8tw_6o